


Enjoying the ride

by CitizenoftheWorld



Series: They're human too [2]
Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Idols, Angst, Brotherhood, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Canon Related, Canon Universe, Character Study, Complete, Gen, Group discussions, Idol Jeon Jungkook, Idol Jung Hoseok | J-Hope, Idol Kim Namjoon | RM, Idol Kim Seokjin | Jin, Idol Kim Taehyung | V, Idol Min Yoongi | Suga, Idol Park Jimin, Insecure Kim Namjoon | RM, Insecurity, Inspired by Real Events, Kim Namjoon | RM-centric, Leadership, Other, Stand Alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-21 08:38:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15553848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CitizenoftheWorld/pseuds/CitizenoftheWorld
Summary: “You’re quite a hypocrite aren’t you?” Taehyung said easily. Namjoon frowned. Taehyung laughed softly. “I mean that you don’t really follow your own advice. You always tell us to be open and honest, yet you bottle everything up and it takes a very stressful day to have you share just a small piece of how you truly feel.”[Bangtan is gaining popularity in the States and Namjoon struggles at admitting he can't do it all alone]





	Enjoying the ride

### [Hours before famous airport photos are taken]

“Enjoying the ride,” the translator said.

In a way it felt like Namjoon was preparing for a school test. It had to do with how unprepared he was hours before the examination.

Some would say Namjoon woke up early to have a proper talk with their translator, Namjoon knew he hadn’t slept at all. They had been so busy that up until the night before their departure the dawning realisation of how big their overseas trip was going to be had been given no room on his list of priorities. He had been focused on getting the last details of the album all set and done. He had to master the choreography before Hoseok and the dance teacher started to change little moves here and there. He was also slightly stressed about his nose operation. He had completely forgotten that once they got off the plane, all eyes would be on him and yet he had never heard of the term _enjoying a ride._

Namjoon looked up from his notes. “ _Enjoying the ride_? What does that mean?” They were seated at a round table, lit by spotlights in the corner of their living room. Namjoon had welcomed the translator three hours before their departure. He was thankful for the translator’s flexibility. Though the lingering feeling of there being no chemistry between them made Namjoon a little nervous. He tried to explain to the translator how he would want him to jump in and when he wouldn’t need to, but the translator didn’t seem to catch on. Which Namjoon understood, to understand him you must understand the members’ chemistry – understand when someone was joking or not, whether something that someone said was worth translating or not. He had to understand when Namjoon couldn’t answer a question, which had embarrassingly happened one too many times.

“It means that you’re enjoying everything that is happening to you without specifically planning anything for the future or thinking about the past.”

Namjoon wrote it down on his list for short interview answers. “So if someone asks what we’re planning for the future, I could just say “right now, we’re enjoying the ride”?”

“Exactly.”

 

### [Breakfast before busy schedule]

“Jeez, you look like shit,” Yoongi grumbled around a piece of loaf during breakfast. It was their second day in the States and they had done recordings and rehearsals the day before. Today they had only interviews scheduled. A lot will take place in one studio, but there were three more separate shooting locations they would have to go to. Each interview would last for about twenty minutes and some of the questions were already prepared. Like a test, they knew what they could expect. It shouldn’t be a difficult and Namjoon had no reason to have not been able to sleep the night before because of useless nervous energy. “Have you slept at all?” Yoongi continued. “The bags underneath your eyes are very impressive. You’re almost like me.”

Namjoon shook his head dismissively, not wanting to answer. Their make-up artist would be able to fix those bags. “I prepared some phrases for the interviews,” Namjoon said to the breakfast table. Hoseok, Taehyung and Seokjin nodded. Jungkook and Jimin weren’t there and Namjoon couldn’t care less about their whereabouts. They were probably still sleeping and skipping breakfast, or on the rooftop taking pictures like they do. “I sent them in the group chat.”

Hoseok gave Namjoon a look that Yoongi was most likely too afraid or embarrassed to give. It made Namjoon feel funny too. There was something about the pure admiration and respect Hoseok had whenever he’d liked to emphasise that Namjoon was their leader that made Namjoon feel more burdened than he would ever admit. “Got it. We will go through them on our way to the first interviews,” Hoseok said. He turned to Seokjin with a small grin. “Seokjin, _how you feel?_ ”

Seokjin laughed and played along. “Yeah, feel so good- so good to be here. Our members are happy.”

Yes, Namjoon agreed. Despite his rough night and some nerves he could see that the overall atmosphere had everyone raising their shoulders involuntary. Who would have thought that these seven guys from a bankrupt agency would make it to become pioneers in history?

 

### [Interview pt.1]

“Do you date?” the interviewer asked.

Namjoon must admit, he had expected this question a lot earlier and from more interviewers.

“We are too focussed on our careers,” Namjoon said with a boosted voice. The members caught on and laughed along.

The interviewer quickly got the hint.

 

### [Kim Taehyung got better with words]

There were times when Namjoon’s translating skills failed him and he had to send glances to their translator. Six out of ten, the translator got the memo. Those remaining four times were enough to have Namjoon fret about his incompetence as a spokesperson.

“I can see you beating yourself up because of the interviews.” Namjoon looked up from his window seat at the far back of their dimly lit car. The cadence of Taehyung’s low voice caught his attention. They had spread out over three cars; members and staff mixed together. Namjoon had wanted to be alone and away from the members for a while, and he would have been, had Taehyung not hopped on last second. Their long day of interviews was coming to an end. They had a quick meal somewhere in between and Namjoon knew that some of the members were going to call room service. He wasn’t planning on joining them. He truly just wanted to shower and sleep and pretend that he didn’t hate himself as much as he did now. However his day was not over. He had a video meeting with the company. It would last well into the night because of the different time zones and Namjoon already regretted agreeing to it. “You did a great job,” Taehyung continued, “Besides it was our first time doing this many interviews back to back.”

Namjoon shot Taehyung a small smile that didn’t last long. The look on Taehyung’s face reminiscent of Hoseok’s. They were alone in the back as the staff didn’t bother them. Taehyung had a way of being sincere when you’d least expect it. It made for funny moments where Jimin would embarrassingly ask why he would say something nice like that all of a sudden. They would laugh it off, scurrying away from anything too serious regarding their relationship. But right now, in the dark moving over foreign ground and with the entire world watching their every move, Taehyung’s heartfelt words were very predictable which made them particularly touching. “Thank you, Taehyung. I try.”

Taehyung moved over and made it clear he wanted Namjoon to lean on him. This behaviour is something Jimin and Taehyung got going anywhere really. Jungkook would be there too, never initiating but always enjoying their warmth. Sometimes Namjoon thought back about their trainee days, back when their group was only Yoongi, him and two other guys who left. What if Jimin or Taehyung had been casted earlier? What if he had been the last to join? Those thoughts, in the same thread with  ‘what if Jungkook was the oldest?’, ‘what if Seokjin was the main rapper?’, and ‘what if Hoseok was the leader?’, never seemed to end once he started having them.

What if someone wanted to leave the group? Would he be able to convince them to stay?

 “What are you thinking about?” Taehyung asked softly.

“Is there something I do that makes you want to leave the group?” Namjoon asked without thinking. He could feel Taehyung taking a deep breath underneath him. Namjoon closed his eyes at how untactful that was of him. Right now was not the time to have heavy conversations. He didn’t want his members to be troubled with his insecurities, especially not the younger ones. “Forget it.”

“You’re quite a hypocrite aren’t you?” Taehyung said easily. Namjoon frowned. Taehyung laughed softly. “I mean that you don’t really follow your own advice. You always tell us to be open and honest, yet you bottle everything up and it takes a very stressful day to have you share just a small piece of how you truly feel.”

“You’re getting better with your words these days,” Namjoon muttered for a lack of better response.

“Shut up,” Taehyung shot him down. “Just know we can say no to interviews too. If it’s too much, we don’t do them. If you want to step back that is also possible.”

Namjoon shook his head. “I don’t want that. I don’t want to be a handicap.”

Taehyung sighed. “You aren’t and never have been. If anything you’re our MVP. We wouldn’t have made it this far without you.”

Namjoon cringed over the earnest compliment. He didn’t deserve this. “Don’t say that. Please don’t say that.”

Taehyung must have heard something in Namjoon’s voice as he stayed quiet for some time. Something was broken. The atmosphere maybe. Or someone was broken. The silence that ensued left enough room for all interoperations. Namjoon started to think that their conversation had ended and wondered whether Taehyung would tattle. Namjoon was already somewhere else with his thoughts and close to sleep when he felt Taehyungs voice vibrate underneath him. “To answer your question: No, there is nothing you do that makes me want to leave. No one wants to leave.”

 

### [The life of an idol leader]

It was close to 2 am.  Namjoon was still skyping with the concept team back in Korea. Bang Shihyuk was also attending the meeting and Namjoon felt slightly embarrassed at how underdressed he was in his simple t-shirt. It was dinner time over there and all the important details had already been discussed. Normally they would have the entire music production team together with some of their story writers and all the members. Those meetings were actually quite fun as the members got to hear the crazy storylines the concept writers had for each comeback and channel back some of their own ideas regarding their caricatures in their music videos.

Right now however, this meeting served as a follow up to their main meeting. Apparently some of their ideas were impossible to realise and they needed to adjust some things here and there. A golden rule was however that all changes must be overseen by the members – or in this case the leader as the members were currently unavailable (sleeping).

“I believe we shouldn’t hold back at this point,” Namjoon said softly as he had been told that his microphone picked up a lot of sound and that his voice was booming in the meeting room. “We can make a nineteen plus version if necessary. But this song is about death, we shouldn’t try to sugar-coat it.”

“I agree,” Shihyuk said. The meeting room agreed and took notes. Shihyuk made more comments to summarise the meeting and then soon dismissed everyone in the room. Namjoon let his head hang in tiredness when everyone was gone and it was just him and Shihyuk. He had no real secrets for this man and sometimes it made him afraid. “Namjoon?”

“I’m sorry,” Namjoon muttered and slowly lifted his head to look at their main producer. “It’s just very late here and the meeting lasted longer than I expected.”

Shihyuk nodded. He changed the angle of the webcam in the room and soon it looked like Namjoon was skyping with his dad – only it wasn’t his dad, it was his boss. He hadn’t spoken to his dad in a long time. His mom liked to remind him of that every time he got off the phone with her. “Are you guys doing well over there?” Shihyuk asked.

Namjoon nodded. “The members are enjoying themselves. They really improved on their English. There will be more dynamics in the upcoming interviews.”

Shihyuk showed a small smile that oozed pride. “You got Hoseok to stop mentioning Sprite?”

Namjoon laughed surprised at the remark. He had to remind himself that more than Hoseok, Shihyuk liked to follow social media’s response to their whereabouts. It should be no surprise that he knew of Hoseok’s little quirk fans picked up on. “No one can stop him,” Namjoon said with a smile still lingering on his face. “I admire his consistency and loyalty.”

“It’s really great that you guys keep posting on _sns_. It’s Jungkook who’s taking these pictures right?” Shihyuk moved on to the next topic.

 “Yeah, Jungkook is filming a lot,” Namjoon offered. “I believe he wants to make one of his Golden Closet videos.”

“Those got great a reaction,” Shihyuk mused.

Namjoon nodded. “If you put some pressure on him, he could have one done before the summer package promo starts.”

Shihyuk nodded. “He is very good at editing it appears.”

“You know, making it a real task would mean something for him,” Namjoon said. “Jungkook would feel great if you mentioned it.”

Shihyuk smiled. “I may ask him to do some projects then.” What Namjoon liked about Shihyuk was how he immediately took his pen to write it down. “How about the others?” Shihyuk continued. “Is Yoongi adjusting well?”

Namjoon nodded slowly. “The first day he was just tired, but everyone was. But he is doing fine now. Claims he’s not nervous for the Billboard performance.”

Shihyuk laughed at this and Namjoon quietly joined him. “I like his mindset. Tricking yourself into confidence.”

“It works most of the times,” Namjoon muttered.

“How about you,” Shihyuk said suddenly. “How are you doing?”

“Good,” Namjoon said automatically. “I’m great.”

“Yeah? I heard from one of the managers that those interviews can be very dragging.”

Namjoon felt the last remainders of his smile disappear. “Well, yeah. It was a very long day.”

“Do the members know,” Shihyuk said and Namjoon knew instantly that there was no room to pretend. “Do they know that you get stressed?”

Namjoon shrugged. “They must. I’m not good at hiding.”

Shihyuk shook his head unsatisfied. “Do you tell them directly?”

“What is there to tell? I can’t just go and complain.”

“Sure you can. If you want their support let them know. If you feel let down, let them know.”

Namjoon shook his head. “I can’t let them know.”

Shihyuk sat back in his chair and Namjoon wondered if he had said something wrong – if he had slipped too much and should have hold up a front. The irritational fear that Shihyuk would take away his role as leader found its way back to the forefront.

“So you do feel like that,” Shihyuk stated, “and no one knows.”

Namjoon worried his forehead and sighed. “I mean, maybe. But it’s my job as the leader to just take it and-”

“No,” Shihyuk sounded stern. “That’s not what being a leader means. You have to be honest Namjoon. Show what you feel. Get angry at the members for staying quiet. Get angry at the translator for leaving you hanging. Get angry without fearing anything. Get angry because you’re a team and you’re not supposed to do it all alone.” Shihyuk paused and Namjoon could see he wanted to say more. “This is about more than just the interviews,” he added at last.

Namjoon didn’t know where to look. Suddenly he didn’t want to be in who he was. “You’re telling me I’m not a good leader.”

“No,” Shihyuk responded slowly, “But I can see you struggling and I want you to know you’re not supposed to know everything. When we started this group no one’d have imagine the position you find yourself in right now – the responsibility you have to carry is way beyond your average group leader from non-Big Three agencies. We weren’t prepared – we didn’t prepare you for this. So don’t expect to know everything, that will only make you more disappointed. Being a good leader is not about holding up a façade of calmness in front of your members – or me for that matter. That’s being fake and it will break you.”

“So what do I do?”

 

### [This is Bangtan]

Their third day of rehearsals and interviews was over. It was night and time to finally eat. The next day would be focused on their billboard stage. They were having dinner in a Korean restaurant that followed the trend of private rooms. Only food and the seven members were given attention in one of the rooms. Once the food was gone, the attention was solely on the members. They started talking about memories like they always do while drinking beer and soda. They started talking about how they really should not mess this up. Yoongi shared stories about his family. Jimin talked about how his old high school friends wished them luck. They were all in such a good mood that Namjoon wanted to chicken out and not share his troubles. But he had to, he had promised Shihyuk that he would.

“So,” Namjoon started off and surprisingly immediately got everyone’s attention, “I had a meeting last night. A follow up to the concept meeting.”

Jimin frowned. “Everything was already set and done, right?”

Namjoon made an agreeing sound. “Yeah, but some things had to be changed. Nothing major. Our main ideas are still there.”

Yoongi made a disapproving sound. “Is that why you’re all tired? You had to stay up late. You could have told them to postpone the meeting.”

“It wasn’t a big deal,” Namjoon said slowly as he considered Yoongi’s words more seriously. He immediately casted them away as something he wouldn’t do, but the thing was he had no real reason to act like this. Why hadn’t he asked to postpone the meeting? “The team had to continue their work and holding them up wouldn’t help,” Namjoon reasoned more to himself.

“If you say so,” Yoongi muttered. Namjoon didn’t like his tone. It reminded him of how Shihyuk hadn’t said that he’s a bad leader, he had said other things.

“So everything is alright?” Hoseok asked toying with his glass.

“Yeah,” Namjoon said, “after the meeting I got to talk with director Bang. He asked how we’re holding up. I told him we’re doing fine.”

Seokjin had a sly smile on his face. “You should have told him that we’re fucking nervous,” he immediately laughed after he said that.

Jungkook disagreed and shook his head. “You’re the only one who’s nervous. I’m totally fine.”

Seokjin made sound of recognition. “Jungkook, the all-star.”

Jimin joined in and laughed quietly. “The day Jungkook will be nervous is the day it’s over for all of us.”

Hoseok clapped his hand on Jungkook’s shoulder. “He only says that he’s not nervous, but deep down he is. He is just like the rest of us.”

“He really isn’t,” Taehyung said.

“Oh, shut up,” Jungkook whined under the sudden attention shift.

“I’m also not nervous,” Yoongi said, clearly not trying to be funny, yet making everyone laugh. Even Namjoon couldn’t hide the smile that crept on his face at how Yoongi tried to maintain his serious facial expression.

Like this the conversation got carried away. They started talking about their most nerve wrecking stages. That resulted into them talking about their biggest stage bloopers. Then they started talking about how they should do something really crazy for their end of the year stages. “What if we just sleep for twenty minutes and let Seokjin and Jungkook bicker on stage.” “ _Aish_ , this is what they mean when they say artist stop being humble.” “Come on, I was joking!”

“Uh, guys,” Namjoon said quietly, not really trying to be heard but only saying something because he had promised Shihyuk he would at least try.

“What’s up, Namjoon?” Seokjin recognised him, making everyone pinpoint their attention on him.

“There was something else director Bang and I talked about,” Namjoon continued. He had no intention on making them drop their careless demeaner, but his words carried a certain gravitas that demanded the atmosphere to shift. He could see how their smiles became smaller and a little nervous.

“Is everything alright?” Jimin asked carefully.

Namjoon nodded quickly. “Yeah, yeah. All is good. Just- we talked about my uh- well my performance in the group as the uh- leader.”

Taehyung gave Namjoon a knowing look. “You’re doing great. You told him that right?”

“No- well- I can’t say that,” Namjoon said adverting his eyes from them. “He noticed that I seemed a little… He didn’t say I’m a bad leader, but there is just more that I should learn.”

“No one here thinks you’re a bad leader,” Hoseok said sternly.

“Okay,” Namjoon said. His lack of agreeing didn’t go unnoticed, he could see it in the way Hoseok started to frown.

“What’s the matter then?” Hoseok asked.

“Lately I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure,” Namjoon mumbled. “I know it’s stupid to complain, because we’re all feeling the pressure. I just wanted to share this with you because I shouldn’t be a hypocrite,” this he said while briefly shooting Taehyung a look, “I expect you guys to share how you feel, so I should be no exception.” Namjoon laughed humourlessly, nervously. He couldn’t believe he was actually doing this. “Director Bang said that I should get angry or something, but I won’t. That wouldn’t help anyone.”

“Why would you be angry?” Jungkook asked.

“I’m not angry. I just feel like…” Being honest turned out to be more difficult than he had imagined. Getting the words out felt like hungry work and unnecessary. He shouldn’t bother them with this – though Jungkook had asked him directly. Namjoon sighed. “With all the things that are happening right now, you know our success and busy schedule – I sometimes feel like there is a lot of pressure on me as the leader and it makes me feel a little… alone.” The word felt disgusting on his lips and sounded ugly in the private room of trust. Instant regret was never gentle in how it stings in his chest. Namjoon could feel his ears getting hot and he was suddenly reminded of his incident in China when stage freight had gotten the better of him.

“You feel like you’re doing a lot of it alone,” Jungkook said quietly. Namjoon could no longer directly look at anyone. He had dug his own grave. This will definitely make them hate him. He should have stayed quiet. He shouldn’t have told Taehyung anything. Heck, he shouldn’t have that much respect for Shihyuk, because it made him do things like being honest with himself. “You’re also talking about us,” Jungkook continued,  “We should have been there more for you. I’m sorry we made you feel like this.”

Jimin nodded along. “I will never understand what’s it like to be the leader, so to hear you say that the pressure is getting to you- and I feel like we are part of it- it just makes me feel like… well shit.”

Namjoon shook his head. This was going wrong. “You’re not supposed to pity me.”

“They aren’t,” Yoongi said quietly. “They get it. We get it.”

“But…” Namjoon looked for the right words and found himself tong-tied for what feels like the thousandth time since he’d set foot in the States. “I mean, this does not mean that I can’t take it. Don’t think you have to be careful or change or something. I just wanted to share how I feel, because I… I expect the same from you.”

Seokjin nodded. “I get what you mean, but that does not mean that we’re in the clear all of a sudden.” Seokjin leaned forward and his presence demanded the attention of the room in a way only the eldest could. “You are effected by the way we behave and we don’t like the way you feel because of that. We can change and it it’s not out of pity. It’s out of respect.”

Agreeing sounds were made and it was clear that everyone except for Namjoon shared the same sentiment. “That’s right, ” Hoseok said. “We respect the efforts you put into our team and if you feel like we’re slacking behind, call us out. God knows I call you guys out whenever we practise a choreography.”

Namjoon shook his head, denying what he was told. “It’s different. I can’t expect you guys to suddenly speak English or shit.”

“You can’t,” Taehyung said with the deepest voice in the room, “But you can share your pressure by stepping back and letting us handle some of your work. The English interviews is one thing, but I am also talking about back home. We have a big press conference coming up. I hope you know you don’t have to carry all of that.”

“Yeah, we can also do some of the serious questions and if there is something you want to particularly get across, just let us know and we’ll help you out,” Jungkook added.

Looking up, Namjoon found that he was a little at loss. They made it sound so easy. They made him sound so stupid for finding trouble where there was none. 

“Not just that,” Yoongi said, “I know you are more involved with our album productions and other meetings – call us out if you want one of us to join or if you truly don’t want to go. Being the leader is not about doing extra work that no one else wants to do.”

Namjoon shook his head. “I can’t boss you guys around,” he said softly.

Yoongi laughed sharply at this. It’s a laugh that he did alone as no one knew whether what will follow will be sincere or sarcastic. “That’s the thing, Namjoon. You actually can, but you don’t since you’re not like that. But you can demand things from us. You can expect things from us. You don’t have to do it all alone.”

“If you are not willing to ask something from us then we’ll ask you to ask us something,” Jimin said with his dialect coming of strong, and a quirky smile. He must feel a little uncomfortable with the seriousness of the conversation. This is not what Namjoon wanted at all.

“I think I stepped out of line,” Namjoon said without looking at anyone. He wanted to end the conversation. He wanted to reverse everything. He wanted everyone to forget he said anything. They didn’t need more reasons to hate him. “I try to not stress you guys with my bullshit and in turn it stresses me that you may notice that it stresses me that you guys may sense my stress level – which makes no sense, I am well aware. I didn’t share my troubles as a way to complain or to have you guys change. I mean, the way we are – it works, it brought us here. Why change?”

There. Something was broken again. Or something was still broken. The silence left room for a lot of interpretations.

“You don’t seem to believe any of the things we say,” Seokjin said, cutting through the tension “Or you don’t want to believe us.”

“It’s not that,” Namjoon said with no real defence and looked up at his older brother.

“Then what is it?” Seokjin shot back. “What did you expect us to say?”

Namjoon remained silent. No words, because he had no courage.

“Did you expect us to tell you to shut it?” Seokjin leaned back and was very calm even though his words were poking at some of Namjoon’s old, dark nightmares. “Did you expect us to tell you to man up and stop whining; tell you that this is the price for being the leader? You never complain because you are afraid.”

Taehyung took a sharp breath and got all of their attention as his face showcased that a realisation had dawned upon him. “You’re afraid we want you out of the group,” he said.

Namjoon huffed. Maybe it was this new level of being overwhelmed, or the beer – maybe it was him not caring as much as he did before the conversation derailed from what he supposedly expected – but without missing a beat Namjoon responded with a self-deprecated smile. “You mean you don’t?”

“Jeez, Namjoon,” Hoseok sounded exasperated. “How could you think something like that? How could you ever – ever! – think something like that? What have we done for you to-”

“-Hosoek, calm down.”

“No, don’t tell me to calm down, Yoongi. This is crazy. This is unfair. We’re a family. Bangtan doesn’t exist if  anyone leaves! So why would you dare to think that we want you out of this group?” Hoseok looked fiercely at Namjoon. “Explain it for me.”

Namjoon sunk in his chair and felt like the room was too small to hold this much tension. “I don’t- I didn’t mean that.”

Yoongi looked unconvinced. “You didn’t mean that,” he said flatly.

“I mean I’m just scared sometimes. We’re all scared sometimes, right? This isn’t anything special. You should ignore it.”

“Namjoon,” Seokjin said quietly. He fixed Namjoon with a stern yet calming look, “we want to help you. Please be honest with us.” Together with the rest, he looked expectantly at Namjoon. If it were possible Namjoon would have also stared himself down. He couldn’t though. He was left facing his insecurities. He was left facing his six brothers. Him versus Bangtan. That was how it felt one too many times and it made him alone and very tired. It was time to stop resisting, time to take a leap of faith. He nodded in affirmation and defeat. Seokjin caught on. “You said this isn’t anything special. That means you’ve been struggling with this since way back then, right?”

Namjoon sighed. “I didn’t mean it in a mean way,” Namjoon said softly and mainly for Hoseok to understand. “I get that you guys want to help and I’ve always known this. I guess it’s just weird to blatantly ask you for help like that. We’ve never been like that. I’ve always been able to fulfil my duties as the leader for the most parts. I don’t want you to think that I’m incapable. I don’t want you to have a reason to think I can’t do it. And yes, that was one of my biggest fears right after we debuted. I was afraid I might get kicked out…”

“Namjoon,” Hoseok said softly and clearly hurt at Namjoon’s truth.

“I know. I know now of course that that isn’t going to happen, I just sometimes – when we’re busy and I get a little stressed – I slip. I fall back to those old fears. Believe me when I say I’m trying to overcome them. I don’t want to effect the team in a bad way. I didn’t mean for all of this,” Namjoon gestured weakly at their table, “to happen – especially since we’ve got a very important stage tomorrow. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to say sorry,” Jungkook said slightly pouting.

“I mean it, though,” Namjoon continued and it felt easier being honest. He took a breath and realised he wanted to say more. He wanted to give them more. “Guys, I’m sorry. I tried to do it all alone and it doesn’t work” _Being fake will break you_. “I should have trusted you more. Right now we’re on new territory and I don’t know how to handle it. I never asked for your help blatantly because I thought I’d never need it like that. But now… I need it more than ever.”

A weight fell on his shoulder. Namjoon looked up and saw that it was Yoongi’s hand resting and giving him an assuring squeeze. Once again Namjoon was reminded of how Yoongi and him have been together for a very long time and how amazing it was to still have him around despite everything they’ve been through; the fights before debut, the change of concept in ’15 and now Billboard. “We’re here.”

 

### [Billboard]

“The Billboard music award goes to… BTS!”

“We’re living a dream,” Jungkook muttered more to himself, but Namjoon caught it in their brief hug. He could feel it too. The screams, the lights and the _precious award_ – it would almost seem too good to be true.

“… Army’s out there!” Looking up Namjoon couldn’t see a soul, only flashlights and dark masses. But the floor vibrated and he could feel it in his chest when the cheers got louder.

 

### [Interview pt. 2]

“What is the next step for BTS?”

_Enjoying the ride. For now we’re just enjoying the ride._

Namjoon was ready to answer, but Yoongi beat him to it. “Grammys.”

The interviewer smiled impressed and the members barked out surprised laughs. Namjoon turned around to see Yoongi looking both proud and shy at what he just said.

“Yeah,” Namjoon agreed cautiously, “maybe next time, it’s the Grammys.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Share your thoughts and let me know if you want to see more things like this.


End file.
